This is going to be quite an emotional post, which is rather out of the ordinary and perhaps not that befitting of this blog? But well, documenting this piece of reflection just felt damn necessary on this Saturday morning. I really had to get this out of both my chest and mind. And nothing beats writing it out if this was to be done in a clear and coherent way.
Even though it’s the June school holidays and I have been “enjoying” the past couple of weeks off from work, I have actually been in a funk for the best part of this period.Yes, I know how ungrateful I am. By immersing myself from one game to another but not really enjoying them at all, I am probably insulting everybody who’s yearning for a good break.
But the fact was that something was eating at me constantly from the inside, but I made all attempts to avoid addressing it, perhaps till a couple of days ago.
A few weeks ago, we caught up with some of our JC classmates over dinner. Since the Mrs was taking a sabbatical and I had just made a career change, our lives inadvertently became “the topic”.
And quite naturally, during the conversation, we subtly explained our positions with regards to personal finances, semi-retirement and my potential career as a self-employed tutor in the long-run.
The topic moved on and everyone shared some updates about themselves. Interestingly, when Mrs 15HWW suggested to one of them who’s practicing medicine to downshift and become a GP, we heard a no-no reply.
Because, that would be LACKING AMBITION.
Call me perceptive (or too sensitive), but the sense was that what both of us were doing smacks of a lack of ambition to them. And somehow, I was concerned, not just because they are some of my dearest friends, but because they might be right.
And it isn’t about downshifting and limiting my material desires. I still stand by that.
Instead, I am probably lacking ambition with what I want to do in my life. I.e, selling myself short. I have coasting along in life for the past 4-5 years, choosing some of the safest routes to get to financial independence and navigating through small hurdles. Things are getting a little too predictable, a tad dull.
With pre-conceived assumptions, I was actively limiting my boundaries with my choices. And subconsciously, I might have known it all along.
With more time, I understand myself better and better. What I can and can’t do. What I should and shouldn’t do. On hindsight, during the past week, I was probably just trying to escape from REALITY, and avoid making a HARD DECISION.
I might lack professional ambitions, but definitely not life ambitions, even though I might have lacked guts to attempt to realise them.
But not from this moment. Onwards, Mr 15HWW!
The most straightforward path might not be so suitable after all.